My Blog

Nature is a great teacher. A walk in a forest can teach us about life and
help us to experience something far greater than ourselves. Suppose you
came upon a colony of mushrooms decorating the forest floor, what would
you see? At first, we may believe the hundreds of mushrooms are individual
plants, but actually they are all parts of the same organism. You see,
they are all sprouting from the same underground fungal network called a
mycelium. We are like mushrooms. We appear separate and distinct. Yet, we
all spring from the same invisible network, which in our case is called
humanity. Each of us is just a small part of the whole. Once we understand
that, it becomes much easier to develop close relationships. If we wish to
learn about ourselves, what we are and what we can become, we have to
learn about others.

As we continue our walk in the forest, we may stop to watch raindrops roll
down the surface of a leaf. In their gleeful slide down the leaf, the
drops of water collide and separate, traveling along different paths. Each
time one drop collides with another, part of each drop merges with the
other, so when they separate, each carries a part of the other. We are
like raindrops. As we run into one another and interact, we exchange part
of ourselves with each other. As we learn how to grow in intimacy, we
exchange more and more of ourselves when we meet, each benefiting from the
process, each being enriched by the other.

A young husband said to his wife, "I will work very hard for you and
someday we will be rich." And his wife replied, "But honey, we are already
rich, and someday we may have lots of money too." Yes, intimacy enriches
us; it makes us rich. What is intimacy? It is what we see in the forest:
two trees growing side by side, but not in the shadow of the other.
Intimacy is about mutual support, encouragement, and growth. On the other
hand, estrangement stunts growth and devalues life.

A tree that is struck by lightning falls silently, unless there is a
person or animal to hear it. Similarly, a person’s life ends with little
meaning, unless there was someone to share it. Can you see how important
intimacy is? It may not be essential for physical survival, but it does
seem necessary for emotional survival. Just as a drab landscape is
magically transformed by a snowfall or crimson sunset, so does a simple
friendship grow into a source of joy when it is stoked by intimacy.

By now it is clear that today’s topic is intimacy, so before we continue,
let me describe it in slightly more detail. Intimacy is about reaching out
to others, not with our arms and hands, but with our minds and hearts. It
is about accepting people and sharing our lives with them. It is also
about exposing ourselves, removing our mask, and dismantling the many
layers of protection that we use to hide our true selves from others.
Revealing our thoughts and feelings is like peeling the outer leaves of an
artichoke one by one, until we come to the best part, the tender part, the
very heart of the artichoke.

To be intimate is to be vulnerable. It is to say, "Here I am. This is what
I am really like. These are the things that inspire me. And these are the
things that inspire fear in me. Here are my dreams, hopes, and ambitions.
Here are my doubts, worries, and concerns. Here are my beliefs and values.
Here are my weaknesses and faults. Can you accept me for whom I am and
help to bring out the best in me?"

It takes courage to open up and speak frankly to others. After all, many
of us have been damaged by past criticism and have lost faith in others.
Once our weaknesses are exposed, we fear rejection, betrayal, ridicule,
humiliation, and loss of control. Yet, we can regain our trust in others
by peeling away the leaves of our artichoke a little at a time. In fact,
if we were to reveal everything at once, we may overwhelm and frighten
others, causing them to distance themselves from us. So, a good rule of
thumb is to proceed by baby steps, so that you and your partner slowly and
carefully build a solid foundation of mutual trust.

Support builds intimacy. Criticism destroys it. If my close friend is
slightly overweight, why mention it? Do I think he is so stupid that he
doesn’t know he is overweight? And why is he overweight? Perhaps he seeks
the pleasure of eating to escape the pain of feeling inadequate. So, if I
tell him to lose weight, all I do is reinforce his feelings of inadequacy,
which leads to more compulsive eating. But if I were to accept him without
criticism, this would boost his confidence and reduce his need to look for
pleasure in food. Also, as we grow closer, he may decide to join me at the
gym for workouts, which may remove his excessive weight and give him even
more confidence.

But isn’t it true that at times we should speak up? Yes, if a close friend
or spouse has an addiction that is destroying their life, for example, we
should use full force in encouraging them to seek professional help. Too
often, however, we are tempted to ask others to change when we are the
ones that need changing. We need to change by growing more accepting of
others. Any advice that we offer should be used very sparingly. Buddha
offers some useful guidelines: "If it is NOT truthful and NOT helpful,
don’t say it. If it is truthful and NOT helpful, don’t say it. If it is
NOT truthful and helpful, don’t say it. If it is truthful and helpful,
WAIT for the right time."

Dr. J. Allen Petersen also has wise words to share: "Most people get
married believing a myth - that marriage [or any relationship] is a
beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship,
sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at
the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take
anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people. There is no
romance in marriage; People have to infuse it into their marriages. A
couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving,
praising - keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the
box will be empty."